Are You OK?
Transactional Analysis: Life Positions
and Cptsd
Life Positions
In TA theory Life Positions are said to be developed through our experiences as we grow up. The messages we receive from parents, how we are treated and cared for affects how we relate to the world, ourselves and others.
It is the position that we most identify with in relation to other people in any given situation, and where we believe we fit in (in groups, or in a conversation, in the wider world).
In transactions (communicating) and internally we see ourselves as either being OK, or Not OK. And we also see others as also being OK or Not OK (see below)
In some transactions you may be in an OK position, while you place the other person in a Not OK position (e.g. a work colleague who seems too perfect and you feel this as a threat to you so you need to make them Not OK). Or you may go to see a GP and immediately feel in a one down position, intimidated and passive, placing them in an OK position and you in a Not OK position.
In TA the healthy position is to feel OK and see others as being OK too.
You might be thinking it is impossible for ALL people to be OK, and yes there are people who are undeniably horrible and do bad things who aren't people you would consider OK.
The thing to remember about Life Positions is that you put someone down so that you can stay OK yourself. You need that person to be Not OK to prove that you are OK. When your ego is threatened, or you feel inadequate in some way, you need something to keep your own head above water, and ward off those critical voices or feeling that you are bad.
That is why the ideal position is to be able to feel OK without others having to be Not OK. When you start to process what is causing you to feel negative towards yourself or others, you can begin to see that feeling OK comes from inside yourself.
If you have grown up with Unsafe parents you will probably have taken on alot of negativity from them. Often when parents or carers feel badly about themselves, they project it others so that they can feel better/more superior/intelligent/stronger etc. You have been passed the hot potato so to speak, given their baggage so they don't have to carry it.
Unsafe parents do not treat you as though you are OK, they treat you with disdain, inpatience and sometimes overt cruelty.
It would not be unusal to grow up feeling that they were OK and you were Not OK. This is because we need our parents as children, and so try to make them OK, justifying their behaviour and accepting responsibility for the treatment we get. The outcome is that we adapt and try to correct our 'flaws'. This can mean striving towards perfectionism, overworking - setting the bar so high for ourselves that we develop low self-esteem, anxiety, depression or OCD.
You may find yourself favouring a despairing position of they are Not OK and neither am I. As an adult this can contribute towards depressive thinking and beliefs that no one can be trusted and no one really cares. You may see the world as a cold, unkind place and have suicidal thoughts, or simply want to stay in bed and withdraw from everything.
When any person or any situation reminds you of your parents, or those that impacted on you when young, you may slip back into the same positions. Your boss, a teacher, a look from a stranger, a message on social media.
Do you ever find yourself reacting too strongly for a situation? Think about where these feelings came from - Was it from the here and now or could it be you were transported back to the past for a moment?
What messages did you receive growing up and even as a tiny baby that are causing you pain in the now?
Start questioning those automatic thoughts and why you might be interpreting things in way that limits your life and creates distress.
You are OK, even if you don't believe that yet.
Narcissists
If you had narcissistic parents you will especially be prone to the I am Not OK/ They are OK positions, because you were were brain washed into believing that they were infallable.
Alot of narcissists seem to overly favour the I'm OK/ You're Not OK life position because they unconsciously (but sometimes knowingly) project their insecurities and emotional dysfunction onto others.
This is actually a cover up of the self they have rejected, replacing their childhood shame with arrogance and grandiosity. Their actual life positions underneath show their vulnerability and reflect past psychic injuries that they refuse to face up to.
They completely believe they don't have a problem. You are the problem, and this will never change.
Depending if they are in a narcissistic collapse (Depression/mental health crisis due to loss of supply) or if they encounter those they envy, admire and aspire to be like, they are in I'm Not OK/ You're Not OK and I'm Not OK/ You're OK life positions respectively.
The projection aspect of the I'm OK/ You're Not OK (cover up) position can be felt in conversations in which they use patronising language, treating you without respect and leaving you feeling small, guilty and in the wrong. Even people with healthy esteem can come away feeling criticised and belittled.
Imagine being in a family, in which from birth you were bombarded with the message that you will never be as 'good' or important/special as your parent. They need to keep you down so that they can maintain their own fragile sense of self-importance and never look inwards.
Every interaction with them reinforces your 'inadequacy' and you start to generalise it to other situations, people who remind you of your parents, then it becomes part of your own identity.
We can try to fight to be OK with perfectionism, achievements, conforming to every social norm, being fit, slim, hard working, you name it, but until we understand that we are not the problem we will find it hard to feel worthwhile and happy with ourselves.
You were always OK, the way you were treated was not OK.
If you feel like you are carrying around the feeling of never being OK, you might need help to peel back the layers and discover how you ended up with these negative beliefs. This might be through counselling if possible, or reading books around the subject that can give you insights and choices for the future.
YOU have the power to change the way you see yourself. You don't have to live with the template your carers/parents gave you.
Re-write your story, ask yourself why you have to feel inferior? Who needed you to be in a lesser position so that they could feel in control and powerful?
It's time to challenge the paradigm and gain a fresh perspective to become the real you.
