Injunctions
and
Counter-Injunctions
One of the most important aspects of Transactional Analysis theory is the idea that from the moment we are born we receive negative messages or prohibitions from our parents/carers in the form of Injunctions.
These early childhood messages vary in power and intensity and can be picked up through parental modelling or by what you were rewarded, or indeed punished for. These could be explicit and repeated, or manifest in more subtle ways such as being ignored and invalidated.
Counter-Injunctions (also known in TA as Drivers) are the adaptations and counter-rules that we make to balance out or off-set our Injunctions. They are decisions that we made as young children, cleverly working out what would make us more acceptable to our parents (and the world) so we can feel 'OK'.
Take the mountain diagram above : In order to feel good about yourself or 'OK', you are continuously climbing a mountain to reach the top and stay there.
Injunctions are the baggage weighing you down, limiting options and attacking your self- esteem, while Counter-Injunctions act like a rope offering us a route to safety and feeling good - Only it's tethered to an anchor that is not completely stable or permanent. That is because Counter-Injunctions only help you to feel good enough while you are performing them. In other words being able to feel OK is conditional.
Stressful childhood home environments, trauma and Unsafe Parents usually make for far more intense, rigid and limiting injunctions.
By becoming aware of which injunctions impact most on you and beginning to challenge these limiting messages, you can end the negative cycle and free yourself from their grip.
The 12 main injunctions
As you read through this list:
Did you have a reaction? Did any feelings come up for you?
Which ones do you most identify with and which are keeping you stuck now?
Were some injunctions communicated and felt more intensely than others, and in what circumstances?
How were they communicated- Overtly/covertly/through action or inaction?
The Big 12 Parental Commandments:
Don’t Exist – Communicated when - You are ignored, your feelings are invalidated, you are made to feel in the way or like a burden, you are not listened to. Your opinions aren’t considered important. Any abuse that isn’t recognised. You are continually rejected. You are praised for being quiet and not ‘bothering’ your parents.
Don’t Grow Up – Communicated when - ‘Needy’ and helpless behaviour is encouraged and rewarded. Independent behaviour isn’t permitted; Autonomy is not encouraged. You are not allowed to try something out or do it for yourself. Fears and warnings are passed onto you around you being hurt, and incapable; You need 'protection' as it's too dangerous; you will make mistakes leading to something ‘bad’ happening. Your independent achievements are ignored or minimised.
Don’t Be A Child – Communicated by - Living in a joyless household. Toys/ play/ fun activities are looked at as frivolous and a waste of time. You are given grown up responsibilities and treated like an adult. You feel pressure to control your behaviour even though it’s normal for your age. You are praised when you act like a 'grown up', or are conforming and responsible. You may be treated like your parent's therapist or carer, supporting them while you are neglected.
Don’t Do anything - Communicated by - A parent whose behaviour is driven by avoidance and is fearful of change and uncertainty. Or a parent who wants to be in control of everything and creates uncertainty and a lack of confidence in your abilities to manage or cope. Parents discourage doing anything new or tell you that you shouldn’t do that because you won’t like it/will be overwhelmed/hurt. Creates an internalised self-fulfilling prophecy around sabotage and failure. Can relate to perfectionism issues or procrastination, e.g. It's all too overwhelming and I will inevitably fail, so why try in the first place?
Don’t Be You - Communicated by – Not being accepted as you are. Being discouraged to be yourself or follow your own interests. Told that girls/boys shouldn’t do that etc. E.g. Given a role as a ‘sporty’ child and taken to activities you don’t want to do or enjoy. No input in what you want to wear, not allowed to develop own self. Can relate to any and all preferences you have being criticised or belittled. Feeling like you don’t belong unless you conform/mask your real self.
Don’t Make It – Communicated by - You aren’t allowed to be ‘better’ than your parents (depending on what they consider being 'better' is). Constant derision, criticism, no interest in your future or critical of your ambition or interests. Predicting failure for you. You may be seen as a threat or they may fear you leaving them. You may be ignored when you do well but given attention when you are struggling, giving the message that they only like you when you are 'weak' and require rescuing.
Don’t Feel - Communicated by - Parents reacting negatively to your anger, sadness or even happiness. Being praised when you are not ‘demanding’, or criticised for ‘making a fuss’, when you show emotions. Not permitted to talk about feelings or helped to manage emotions as a child. Your parents may model not feeling, or one of them is allowed to show certain feelings which are ‘acceptable’, e.g. anger. Physical feelings, comfort, hunger or pain or illness are neglected or invalidated. Parents may model behaviours such as distracting or numbing through addictions, overworking or forms of dissociation.
Don’t Think - Communicated By - Being punished if you question or challenge a parent. Being told that you shouldn’t 'criticise' or ask too many questions (Shut up and do as you're told). Praised for passivity and not asking any questions. Never being asked for your opinion or being told your opinions are wrong/stupid. Parents defensive or hostile if you disagree with them or show independent thinking and learning. Belittled if you get anything wrong, or for not knowing as much as they do. Being made to feel stupid and like you aren’t good enough.
Don’t Belong – Communicated By – Being ignored, treated like the 'black sheep', or given the scapegoat role. Others in family being played off against you, e.g. siblings favouritism. Compared unfavourably to others (why can't you be more like...) Being left out because you are different. This can relate to a specific trait or a rejection of you as a whole. Others in family may be given better treatment. You are not accepted as you are and feel rejected unless you adapt to others.
Don’t Be Close - Communicated by – Lack of physical contact, literally not given any hugs or touch, or only on their terms. Cold-treatment, enforced distance. Being rejected when ask for help or empathy and compassion. Left alone to play, no interactions. Limited mirroring of facial expression or physical touch with young unless for practical reasons. Limited or non-existent emotional or physical intimacy.
Don’t Be Important – Communicated by – Parent’s showing lack of interest/concern in you. You may have pre-occupied carers, or a parent or sibling with an illness taking priority. A narcissistic parent may make everything about them, leaving no room for you. Being treated like an outsider or ‘black-sheep’. You may be frequently overlooked, expected to fit in and ‘keep the peace’. Your individuality was rejected, you were treated like you weren’t ‘enough’ or that your needs were too much.
Don’t Be Well/Sane - Communicated by - Only receiving care, support or attention when you are unwell. Helplessness being reinforced – (‘I’ll do this for you, let me take care of it all’) All or nothing – if you aren’t perfectly well you shouldn’t do anything or something bad may happen. Seeing a sibling or carer get special treatment because they are unwell. Being compared to a family member who had a mental illness.
As you read through this list:
Did you have any reactions? Did any feelings come up for you?
Which ones do you most identify with and which are keeping you stuck now?
Were some Injunctions communicated and felt more intensely than others, and in what circumstances?
How were they communicated - Overtly/covertly/through action or inaction?
The list on the page for Unsafe Parents* corresponds with the Injunctions and may have been passed down many generations. You now have the wonderful opportunity of uncovering these insidious rules and challenging your early ‘programming’.
* It is important to note that even the best, ‘most healthy’ parenting passes on Injunctions which can affect growth and autonomy; However, if you have had childhood trauma and Unsafe Parents you are likely to have very entrenched Injunctions that were magnified in importance by the behaviour of your parents and the threat of rejection or abandonment if you did not adapt to their needs and rules.
**
The Injunctions and messages that are most likely to co-exist with mental health challenges and are present in a lot of people who have had dysfunctional parenting are –
1.Don’t Exist
2. Don’t Belong
3. Don’t Be You
4. Don’t Be Well
While all Injunctions can cause problems, these particularly are potent and the extent to which they are communicated in any or every aspect of a child’s life, can leave you feeling isolated and that you are wrong to the core.
I recognise these now what?
This is the time that you can take action; You have been lied to and manipulated into believing these things just because your parents have never questioned them or processed their own issues.
I am sorry that you are only discovering this now, but it is so good that you have the opportunity to do something to change and learn other ways to live!
Be Kind to yourself
Are you giving yourself care and attending to your own needs?
Question the messages from your inner critic
Speak to a registered therapist/seek professional help/support
Join a group – E.g. Women’s group or Andy’s Man Club or other peer support groups
Read books on toxic parents and how to challenge negative thinking patterns
Do nice things for yourself to show yourself you’re worth care and love
Do small things that go against your Injunctions, test them out
Work out if your current situation reinforces your Injunctions – e.g. relationships, work etc.. What experiences are you replaying and why?
Practise self-compassion - If someone else had the same experiences would you be mean or feel empathy?
Learn more about yourself and your likes and dislikes, explore your identity and what you may be holding back and for what reasons
Counter-Injunctions or I will be OK if I...
On the opposite flip side are counter-injunctions (also known as Drivers). The drive or motivator is to stay ‘OK’, and to maintain our ego at all costs because it is the key to our survival and the ‘okay-ness’ of our existence. If Injunctions are about what Parents and Carers didn’t like, counter-injunctions or Drivers are what we learned pleased or appeased mum and dad and are therefore linked to our survival.
This is because we worked it out as a child when we had a more simplified view of the world. It is the Shoulds, Musts and Must Nots.
As much as the Injunctions can weigh us down and make us believe we aren’t good enough as we are, the counter-Injunctions offer us a conditional lifeline which we can use to reach the feeling of being Ok – but at a price.
Counter-Injunctions/(Behaviour) Drivers List
Hurry Up - You are only okay if you do it when I want you to
Leads to behaviours of rushing around, doing everything at once, putting pressure on self to progress faster than others. Giving little time to yourself and feeling guilty for taking time over something e.g. recovery from illness or making a decision
Can lead to burn out and stress related illnesses. Not taking care of self. Always feeling as though you need to be elsewhere and that there is a ticking clock over your head so can’t relax. Often feel like competing with others and comparing with others. May be worried about being judged or not being ‘normal’.
‘If I don’t hurry up/get it done sooner then…’
Be Perfect – You are only okay if you get everything right and behave perfectly at all times –
Perfectionistic behaviour. Depends on what you or your parents considered to be ‘perfect’. Self-critical with hyperfocus on getting things ‘right’ and the appearance of being perfect - all or nothing thinking – ‘failure if not perfect’. May find criticism difficult to handle. High-achieving and sets impossible standards for self and others.
Self worth dependant on being perfect and being able to mask ‘imperfections’
Watch out for when it is challenged, can lead to depression, anxiety and burn out as feeling okay is conditional. (Life changes may mean can’t be ‘perfect’ any more).
May compare self unfavourably to others or feel in competition to be ‘better’.
‘If I’m not perfect/don’t do it perfectly then…’
Please Others – You are only okay if you please others/ put others first
Trying to please everyone all the time, afraid of rejection. May become fawning behaviour as a trauma response. Your own wellbeing is tied up in keeping others happy/appeased. Can lead to co-dependant behaviours and passivity (Not being assertive)
May mask own feelings or suppress needs to please others.
Looks to others to feel good/safe or have a purpose – When can’t do this can feel losing identity or even their right to Exist!
‘If I don’t please others then…’
Try Hard – You are okay if you try hard to do things
This does not mean you have to succeed at them, but that you are working hard. This can be at everything and anything in life. You may have joined all the clubs at school, or maybe gone into a career/job you didn’t really enjoy. Put more effort into everything than others and been praised for keeping going with something even though it would have benefited you to stop or change direction.
Drawbacks are not recognising when you would be better to end something e.g. a relationship or job.
Burning out through putting too much energy into things and feeling that to stop or take a break would be failure.
Again it is conditional ‘okay-ness’ and subject to you being able to continue this behaviour.
‘If I don’t Try Hard it means I am…’
Be Strong - You are only okay if you are strong - if you don’t show the 'vulnerable' emotions.
‘Strong’ has different interpretations and can relate to gendered social/cultural roles. Depending on parental and social influences it can mean being aggressive or dominating to some. Not crying when upset or saving it to do it privately and feeling shame around being emotional.
Being the ‘rock’ for others, being dependable. Never asking for help yourself. Not needing help with anything and being overly independent to the point that it causes problems.
It can mean not showing or feeling physical pain and not feeling or talking about emotions such as sadness or anxiety. It can mean that you ignore pain or symptoms of illness.
Can lead to burn out from ‘masking’ or numbing to pain/distress, or not being able to identify feelings in mind or body until they are unavoidable.
‘If I’m not Strong then…’
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* Drivers are created to keep Injunctions at bay by adapting your behaviour in an attempt to feel OK again *
# ‘Maybe if I Work/Try Hard then it is okay if I exist.’
# ‘If I am Perfect then I can one day I might be allowed to Be Important.’
# ‘It will Please them if I - Don’t Grow Up/Don’t Think or take care of everyone until I become Unwell.’
# ‘I will Be Strong so I Don’t Feel and I then I will Belong in this family’
This may seem to work for a while, but your authentic self is always underneath whether you are aware of it or not. The rules are made up, outdated and can be extremely toxic. Living like this is far too rigid and unforgiving to be healthy for anyone in the long term.
We all have main drivers or rules for living that we may not even be conscious of. Which Drivers do you most identify with?
Try starting a sentence with –
‘If I don’t Hurry Up then…’ Or ‘If I’m not perfect then…’
Drivers are conditional and can only hold off the negative Injunction while you are able to keep up the behaviour or identity. If for example you only believe that you Belong/Can Exist if you can Be Perfect, and your idea of perfect is to be physically perfect, have thick hair, be unlined and youthful, then there is going to be an issue when you get older – even if you do everything to slow it down. The same with exercise, and having a fit physique - If you get ill, or have an injury or god forbid get older your Counter-Injunctions can become unfeasible and create more stress for you.
If the price you are paying for living is torturing yourself trying to defend against reasons you are bad/inferior (Injunctions) then you need to start questioning those commandments and ask why you aren’t allowed to be yourself and feel good enough just as you are?
Are you living under restrictions imposed before you could even understand language?
Are they from your parents or generations before?
Are you following rules that don’t make sense and are hurting your mental health?
Allowers give permission to feel OK as You Are
You’re OK if you don’t Hurry Up –
Allow yourself to do things at your own pace – notice if you are rushing your activities, can you take your time, give yourself more time? Take off the pressure to do it all now.
You’re OK if you don’t Please Others, it's their problem! –
You are allowed to please yourself! Your needs are important too. It is impossible to please everyone all of the time. Be kind to yourself and be assertive, if others don’t like it that is their issue to deal with, not yours.
You’re OK if you don’t Try Hard –
You are allowed to go through life without working really hard at everything – or making it more difficult for yourself. You don’t have to over schedule yourself, take on more than is possible or volunteer for every job going. Whatever you do is good enough.
You’re Ok if you aren’t 'Strong' –
You are allowed to be vulnerable, show and feel emotions. You can have off days, you are allowed to ask for help and you don’t have to do everything on your own. You are allowed to get ill, get old and to ask for what you want.
You’re Ok if you’re not perfect –
You’re allowed to be who you are and you don’t have to be perfect to be acceptable. You are good enough and you don’t have to listen to your inner critic if you don’t get it ‘right’. Take the pressure off yourself.
The goal is to start to lessen the weight of the Injunctions baggage you are carrying that is limiting your life. At the same time replace stubborn and rigid Drivers with Allowers (like those above) that offer more flexibility and reduce the importance of having to behave in a certain way in order to feel worthwhile in this world.