Healing and Ego States
The diagram above demonstrates our ego states in further detail. It is more likely that survivors of 'unsafe' care givers who have undergone chronic trauma in childhood without adaquate support; will have underdeveloped Free Child and Nurturing Parent Ego states, and spend more time in Controlling Parent or Adapated Child.
They can also intrude on (or in TA terms 'contaminate') the Adult 'here and now' ego state.
This means that problem solving and thinking can be negatively influenced by values and opinions from the Controlling Parent (e.g. Criticism and Judgements) and feelings may be mistaken for facts by the Child (e.g. 'I feel bad so I must be bad').
Critical/Controlling Parent
In your childhood, you received messages from your parents overtly or covertly through their treatment of you and by observing their behaviour.
Children tend to assume blame, believing they have done something to warrant being ignored or abused. They must be 'boring' and 'not good enough' if a parent shows little interest, or 'ungrateful' and 'over-sensitive' when they are upset by their parents actions or inactions. Add to that further gaslighting and invalidation of feelings, and you get dominant CP ego state beliefs and messages. These are like past recordings for critical, blaming self-attacks and judgemental thoughts about ourselves and others.
People with childhood trauma are more likely to have low self esteem, to blame themselves, scare themselves, criticise, and have the attitude that either they are bad, or other people are bad or a mixture of both! They may also hold high expectations of themselves or others which are nearly impossible to live up to. When you are heavily in a CP ego state you may think or use the words ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ a lot, judging yourself and others and being critical to the point of self-cruelty.
(Some aspects in the CP are positive, such as rules to give us protection and safety, ethics and social values; but the ones which hold us back and cause us emotional harm are the ones above.)
Nurturing Parent
Those with CPTSD who experienced unsafe, preoccupied parents, may have little in the way of a NP nurturing parent ego state, reflecting the lack of empathy, caring and warmth they received from their parents.
Nurturing as a child is about growth and caring, and knowing you can safely explore and return. Without a role model for appropriate nurturing it can be hard to care for yourself, and easier to believe the negative messages from the CP. You may neglect your own needs physically and mentally, ignoring how you feel and being cold and invalidating towards yourself.
That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve better! It is just what you are used to.
Even though it may feel like you are breaking a rule or that you really don’t deserve love, care and affection, you can now do things differently for yourself and have the power to take care of those important needs and change the narrative.
Adapted Child
The Adapted Child is adapting to their parent's treatment and behaviour towards them. They take on often limiting roles such as; Carer (parentified child), therapist, scapegoat, peacekeeper, caretaker, family hero (perfect, strong, high achiever in sports or academically), family joker, unwell, lost or 'bad' child. Not allowed to be an autonomous individual, they are rather a part of maintaining the family dysfunction and co-dependency so that parents don't have to change or examine their behaviours.
Dissociation or daydreaming, withdrawal, self-harm, and numbing are just some of the coping mechanisms that were developed in the AC.
The AC ego state is the young part of us that has learnt to adapt to a traumatic and stressful childhood. It craves safety and belonging and often wants to fit in desperately and not be rejected.
The AC has learnt creative and clever ways to survive intense overwhelming feelings and work out ways to get its needs met, whether that means getting attention for being ‘perfect’, being passive and conforming or getting attention for 'acting out'.
Any attention is better than none, unless it was safer to be invisible in your home. In that case you may still being afraid of being seen or attracting attention which means now you may be ignored or isloated.
Free Child
The Free Child is the ego state that has fun, likes to be close to others and is creative and spontaneous. It likes to play and be silly, indulge and be itself, unafraid of what others think.
The FC likes adventure and doing new things to get new experiences. It is joyful and loving and can act without thinking about the consequences which can be a positive or negative attribute.
When we have healthy and nurturing boundaries (e.g. rules and life skills) and our parents can model and encourage pleasure and fun (using their own Free Child ego states), the Free Child is allowed to develop and allow us to have fun and excitement without recklessness.
What You Need To Be Aware Of:
Controlling, Critical Parent keeping you stuck and holding you back
The Adapted Child who adapted to your parents and wants to protect you from further pain but keeps you feeling powerless and unhappy
HOW
Awareness of your thinking and beliefs. Challenge unhealthy messages
Ask if it is still true now and was it ever true?
Whose voice do you hear when you are self-critical? Are you continuing the bad treatment by accepting what you think as fact?
What are you trying to protect yourself from or avoid?
Are you underestimating your abilities and overestimating negative predictions?
Are you living to a script/narrative you were given or by decisions you made when you were very small?
Educate yourself with self-help books about narcissistic/abusive/neglectful parents
Talk to a therapist - Seek professional help
Use CBT techniques and worksheets to challenge negative thinking and beliefs
Strengthen boundaries, learn assertiveness skills, build your self-esteem and confidence
Remind yourself you are not small and helpless anymore, you have choices and it is okay to have needs and feelings and express them
Praise yourself more, shrink that critical voice
If you parents didn't appreciate you, there was something wrong with them, not you!
What is your frame of reference? Can you re-frame your thoughts?
Do you have similar experiences and situations with different people that are replays of experiences with your parents? Are you still in the family role in your current relationships?
Practice mindfulness and observe your thoughts rather than reacting to them as facts
What You Need More Of -
Being a Nurturing Parent to yourself, loving and caring for your Free Child with new permissions and ways of thinking and behaving that allow freedom and choice.
HOW
Practice Self-care, walks, massages, baths, nice food etc.
Set healthy boundaries
Reassure yourself instead of catastrophizing
Make time for fun and relaxation
Encourage yourself to try new things
Make it safe for you to get things wrong, recognise when you are criticising yourself or expecting too much
Be gentle with yourself if you are finding something difficult. You may be reacting to the past or your fight, flight and freeze response goes off. This is not your fault, it is normal
Allow yourself to be close to others and be seen
Ask for what you need
Grounding techniques, walking in nature, breathing exercises
Feel your body, use somatic exercises, yoga, reiki and progressive muscle relaxation
Treat yourself, and listen to what your inner child is communicating in your body and emotions
Give the shame back - don't carry what other people refuse to be responsible for
Trust yourself and allow yourself to break out of limited roles and re-discover yourself
Allow feelings to be there without criticism and judgement
It's okay to be excited!
Express yourself creatively or messily, writing, drawing, painting, get a hobby, buy some toys and games or lego
What are alternatives to the scenarios you worry about when socialising? Are you really being looked at? Do they really care? Does it matter?
Be the mum or dad you needed as a child, patient and kind, caring and safe
Ellie-Ren January 8th 2025
