Could I have Autism and Complex Trauma?

I never thought I could be autistic.

My complex trauma, OCD and anxiety must have caused me to dissociate, live in fantasy worlds, and make me feel that I didn’t fit in; mortified that I would be found out and rejected. But then I started to wonder; My mum and my brother displayed autistic traits, but weren’t diagnosed. What if my trauma and mental health problems were part of an even bigger picture that included autism?

My brother plays chess, has a Masters degree in mathematics, and a vast collection of classical music CDs. He excels at cryptic crosswords and has an amazing memory for general knowledge. He also doesn’t care if you are not showing interest in what he is saying, if he needs to tell you about something in great detail, he will and he does. He can be unintentionally rude in social situations and when advised that a message on a birthday card for a colleague may get taken the wrong way, he absolutely ignored advice and did it anyway, because he couldn't see a problem with it himself.

In contrast, I have always been hyper aware of when I am not being listened to and when someone is not interested in what I am saying. I was a people pleaser and terrified of rejection for as long as I can remember. I was also hypersensitive to any sign that I had made an error in my behaviour, fearing that I wasn’t like everyone else and it would be spotted.

I remember feeling intimidated and uncomfortable with eye contact when I was young; I sometimes had to force myself to do it, concerned that people would notice my discomfort.

I put so much effort into ‘acting normal’, I didn’t have a lot of energy left over. I felt like there was a spotlight on me and that I was constantly under pressure to perform so that other people didn’t notice there was something wrong.

I didn't know that there was more than one 'kind of autism'. I wasn't aware of high-masking autism that is more prevalant in females (also in trans and non-binary autism). I didn't even realise, or rather I think I'd forgotten that I was masking my differences and had been since I was a child. Looking back it's painfully obvious that I was masking in alot of ways to seem more 'normal' or acceptable for my family, for school and for friends.

I won’t go into all the reasons why I believe I may have autism or make a list of signs/traits – There are plenty available elsewhere on the internet and social media, but I will say that it was very useful for me to read specifically about female’s with autism, and also high-masking autism.

There are so many layers to my particular onion that I have no idea if my trauma symptoms and signs of autism can be separated. Unfortunately, there is no ‘before’ time for my complex PTSD. I was so invested in masking anything that I felt made me different, that I am only just now starting to work out who I really am. It was so automatic to change for others and now as a grown up I don’t conform to a lot of the social norms, so I am curious as to whether it is really all because of my mental health, or has having autism made my mental health worse? Where my mental health issues exacerbated caused by trying to be something I wasn’t?

My harsh critic keeps telling me that I am a failure for not being like other people, but maybe half the problem was the massive effort of masking I was putting on to ‘fit in’ in the first place.

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What I am hoping to work out through looking into autism, is how it is connected to my anxiety, agoraphobia and OCD – and post traumatic symptoms.

I think my inner child deserves to be validated for all the pain and effort she put in not only trying to be ‘perfect’, but simply trying to be seen as the 'same' as the other children. It was so difficult, doing all that at school, and dealing with abuse at home and trying just to be a child.

She worked really hard and could never get it all ‘right’ for others, but she was fine as she was. If finding out more about her neurodiversity helps her to know there was nothing wrong with her, then it’s absolutely worth it.

However, I am also certain that I think and behave differently to others because of my early life experiences and how my brain has developed as a result. So I will always identify with being neurodiverse, whether or not I am officially classed as autistic.