Sending a Message of Hope and Love To My Worried Inner Child

A message to my worried inner child.

I feel you in my tensed body, bursting to express how angry you are with the world right now.

You want to shout and scream about how destructive and unfair it all is. How they are mean and ridiculous, pathetic and selfish.

Instead, you prepare for the next blow, and try to get smaller, so you aren’t visible. Stomach squashed into chest as we shrink further, sour acid creeping up inside, creating an obstruction in our folded form, full of energy that can’t flow.

It feels like it did before.

You want to know it will all be alright; the uncertainty is unbearable.

It’s out of your control, but you are forced to live with it every day.

It’s relentless and you are upside down, the floor is shaking and shifting, and you fear that it will never ever stop.

It seems like you are being controlled again, and you don’t have any choices or free will. You can’t get away from them and there’s no one to rescue you.

There is no escape from this, and no one will stop it.

The nastiness and stupidness. The unkindness and the greed.

I see that you are scared and feel what you feel.

We need to look after ourselves and do what we need to calm ourselves and help our body to rest easy, we need to stay well.

We can do this, when we could not before, we lacked the skills and knowledge to resist the shock and awe.

Now we see what the plan is. We can see through it, and we know we are on the right path. The light we have can only shine brighter as the darkness grows in the bleak hearted bullies who feel safe in their belief that they will give no relief.

We look at ourselves and we engage our minds. We know it isn’t just black and white or whatever colours you use to paint your lies.

We are brave and strong, we can feel and that is not weak or wrong.

We aim to learn from the past and not to lash out in defence. Even as a small child you are more evolved than those toddlers in charge.

Be brave and be vulnerable. It’s okay, I’ve got you.

We are on the world’s side, not the ‘human race’ - We always have been. In touch with ourselves, we wanted to learn and grow and communicate from our soul.

Only prevented by our parent’s control. The fear held us back, not fear that they could make things even worse, but that we could, if we did anything to disobey, anything that ‘provoked’.

They pushed us back down, so we were unable to move or act, that is why it’s all so familiar now.

I’m sorry that some male egos pollute everywhere they go, and we don’t question why it’s only them that line up together or sit behind massive desks almost as big as their heads.

Putting their women out of the way in the dark behind black curtains. A narrow shaft of light, but why even that? You tell them where to go and don’t care about their world view.

Just like little me. Holding onto dad’s arm as he marched us around country or town, shutting my eyes and closing down, I could pretend I was still in bed, and this was all a dream.

He never really cared that I was there, what I was interested in, what I saw. I didn’t exist to him, so I decided I wouldn’t anymore.

This was our only choice and control in a joyless world.

You are free now, but you don’t know it.

You are though; you are just not used to it. You are still feeling stuck and I’m working on loosening these ties every day.

We feel like our past is a life sentence, that we can’t change because of what we’ve been through and the fear we have of it happening again. Which brings me back to now.

But it is not the same.

The news and the endless announcements seem to put us back there and we feel like we have to watch, or we will get taken by surprise again.

Intentionally flooded to keep us drowning in stress, too tired to do anything but try to keep ourselves up out of the mess.

It’s okay, we don’t have to do what they say. We can resist and you are not alone now. They want us to think that we are abandoned again, but I won’t leave you on your own.

It’s ok to feel overwhelmed, but it’s time to challenge the covert threats and overt demands to pay attention and jump on command.

The voice in our head that says something awful will happen if we go against the rules. The feelings of dread and panic don’t mean they are right, just that they know what buttons to use.

Things are unstable just like growing up with a self-centred bully who we called dad.

One man’s moods shifted our entire world. We saw too soon how vulnerable we really all are. We know the struggles and that to have a safe base is to have an illusion that cushions all the blows.

We need to make peace with the fact that we aren’t in total control, not one person can be, but we can give ourselves a peaceful place inside and overthrow that critical voice.

They tell us we are weak and powerless, because they want us not to try; it makes them so unsteady when we ask why.

Let’s not forget but make peace and wipe the board clean. No list of why we can’t, and what will happen if we do. We can do it together and be free to choose, to risk a fall and still get up, instead of fixating on the bruise.

We learnt through fear that we had to follow the pattern true.

Let the light of a fresh future protect and nourish me and you.

Lots of Love to you, little Ren.