'Good' Therapy / 'Bad' Therapy
What is Okay? And What Really Isn't
Around ten years ago I experienced the dark side of therapy, the one that causes therapists nervously to declare that they would: 'Never do that to a client'.
I've decided to share my story - not so much to 'expose' the therapist involved, but to bring awareness to bad practice in therapy and the harm it can cause.
Most therapists would never wish in a million years to cause any distress or damage to a client. But some do so, nonetheless, either because their own stuff gets in the way or they are shut down to gaining insight in their own behaviours.
There may be times when there is a rupture in the relationship, mistakes, ignorance on the therapist's part or mishaps in communication. Sometimes problems arise unconsciously from both client and therapist, and roles from childhood seem to be repeated in the room.
But open, clear communication and a safe therapeutic relationship enables issues to be dealt with and the client can learn and process what has come up for themselves. Supervision and being open to self-development is key for therapists. Insight is therefore gained not only for the client, but the therapist also.
I was once told by a tutor that a potential client looking for a therapist should look for one who -
Belongs to and is registered with a professional association (In the UK BACP/ UKCP/ CPCAB.)
They have a professional qualification, such as a minimum Level 4 Diploma in Counselling or a Bachelor's Degree.
They should have regular supervision and undergone their own personal therapy during training.
They must have their own insurance to practice and be up to date with important CPD such as: Safeguarding, Data Protection, Risk Management
Have undergone an up to date enhanced DBS check
* If you are seeing a therapist who is in-training on a placement, they should have supervision and available support from the organisation they represent.
The fact is that you can do all of the above and still get a therapist who simply doesn't meet your needs, or just isn't the right fit. You might even really like them, and enjoy meeting up, but still feel like there's something missing. It's okay to bring this up and discuss it, a good therapist will welcome your input and explore it with you.
My Story
Julie was a member of the BACP and was experienced, apparently qualified, and worked from the building of a reputable psychotherapy training centre.
I would characterise the first two years of my therapy as being mostly positive, but this was a vulnerable period of my life, and my first experience of psychotherapy. She started off acting almost as a mother-figure, offering me nurturing and care - a kind of reparenting approach to therapy.
Sudden Change...
The first red flag occurred when she suddenly stopped my therapy sessions in- person, and left the centre I had been seeing her at every week for the last two years. The day before our appointment as usual, she rang to tell me that she was no longer seeing clients at that venue and that we would be moving to online sessions.
I was shocked and felt hurt that we wouldn’t be having a final ‘in-person’ session to mark what I felt was an important ending - The last session of us physically being in the room together. When I asked why it was such a sudden change, she only offered that, ‘it wouldn’t help me to know the circumstances involved’. The impression I got however, was that it involved money, and that perhaps they had put the hourly room rates up.
What I Found Out...
What I subsequently discovered (nine years later) was that she had been kicked out of the building, and her contract with the centre had been terminated.
This was because she had fraudulently mis-represented herself. Specifically, she had stolen confidential information from the centre's answer-machine, helping herself to phone numbers and information from people enquiring about therapy with the charity that also worked from the building. Furthermore, she also owed hundreds of pounds in unpaid room fees.
I was not to become aware of any of this until a long time afterwards.
The centre then ended the contract with her and considered the matter dealt with. At no point did they consider informing the professional association which she was registered with; Despite the fact that it broke several of their ethical guidelines and pointed to a therapist who was capable of dishonest, immoral and illegal behaviour.
The Online Sessions...
Shortly afterwards I began online Skype sessions, which was when Julie seemed quickly to turn from the caring, warm therapist who was on my side, to someone who was colder, unfriendly and who actively shut down any avenues of therapeutic exploration. This was most noticeable when I displayed any angry feelings or said anything that she saw as critical towards herself.
When I brought up that I thought she was looking at me as though she didn’t like me, my inner child was in fact seeking reassurance. It turned out that my intuition was right however, because instead she shot back that she, ‘Didn’t like looking at my face either.’
It was like I had been slapped.
She insulted me and shut me down in the worst way. We could have explored what was happening for me and how it related to my past experiences. Instead she preyed on the insecurities that I had trusted her with in our earlier sessions.
On another occasion she was confusing me and giving advice that seemed conflicted and made no sense. I actually said it felt like a, ‘bit of a mind fuck.’ And I stand by that assertion, because it was. Her response was to immediately spit right back at me, ‘Well when you ask for my advice then say you don’t understand it and accuse me of being confusing, that’s a mind fuck.’
Yet, I kept going to the sessions, and paying the money, because frankly I was scared to be without her. I was in an abusive relationship and most likely repeating a co-dependent pattern in which I felt powerless to leave.
On the other hand, she kept the destructive sessions going because - Well most likely she needed the money.
Gaslighting and Mind Games...
Other mind games followed, including one occasion in which she left the laptop on Skype after our session ended. My nervous system had totally frozen up after she had told me that she didn’t like looking at me. I was angry, but couldn't express it. I completely shut down and couldn't utter a word for the last thirty minutes of the session. She left the laptop on, and said she didn’t want to close the Skype call 'in case that was upsetting for me'.
The next week she began my session by berating me for not logging out of the session until around five minutes extra time had passed.
I told her I felt like I really couldn’t move, and it had taken me some time before I could make myself switch it off. She said she didn’t believe me and that I could have moved if I wanted to. Then she accused me of threatening the confidentiality of her next client, who she had greeted at the door, then taken straight upstairs to her therapy room. There was really no way I could see or hear anything at all – But that isn't the point - Knowing now what she had done at the centre, Julie's hypocrisy is astounding.
Too much information about her life...
She also told me a lot about her private life, in which I learned that the partner she had lived with had recently moved out and that she was having some financial difficulties. Sometimes I just listened to her talk about herself because I was afraid to speak in case I displeased her.
When I would try to tell her that I was unhappy and angry she didn't want to deal with it. In fact she once stopped me mid-sentence and told me that I needed to say it differently, like I was being angry 'wrong' some how. To humiliate me she then led me word by word through how I 'should' say it to her.
Now helping someone to communicate how they are feeling is one thing in therapy, but halting their attempt to convey their feelings towards you, and ‘correcting’ them is controlling and manipulative.
She simply did not want to go there. So she silenced and shamed me.
By the time the therapy reached an ending we were only having phone calls, (partly because of what she had said about not liking to see my face). Even then when I told her the phone connection wasn't very good she accused me of lying and playing games. Sometimes I could barely hear her or focus on what I was saying as the line buzzed and faded, but she could hear me fine so it couldn't be true. It was quite fitting for our ending, the connection faded until there was nothing left.
Why Didn't I End it Sooner?...
Why did I stay? Because I was scared, and I had grown dependent on her when I was really vulnerable. She seemed at first like the ‘mum’ I needed, then she became something else, and the relationship seemed conditional on me remaining passive and grateful for her knowledge and advice. My feelings were not welcome, and perhaps they never really were - Only it wasn’t a problem before because they weren't directed at her.
Processing What Happened...
Fast forward to three years later, I had only just begun to process what had happened, and was gradually becoming aware of the extent of the damage. It took a long time to trust my next therapist, and I was always concerned that things would suddenly change and I would be blamed.
I worried for a long time that I would become angry again and that the relationship would just deteriorate. That there was something wrong with me, and they would soon tire of me as she'd done.
I had been gaslit by her into believing that I was the problem and she hadn't done anything wrong.
By the time I worked out that she had been unethical and abusive, I did consider making a complaint about her to the BACP. Unfortunately, by this time she seemed to have disappeared online and I couldn’t find anything to suggest that she was still practicing or registered with them.
Recent Discovery...
Recently I became aware that she had changed her name from Julie to something very similar; and notably had completely changed her surname, also adding a middle initial.
She'd moved and reinvented herself as a yoga teacher/ women's empowerment-guru - But she had also continued to practice as a psychotherapist. To my further shock she actually was still a member of the professional association I had previously searched. Of course people are enitled to alter their names, but it never occurred to me at the time that she might do so.
Around 2018 she had rebranded herself online and on social media, had created a rather uniquely named website, but was still basically working from the same region of the country.
Now though, even with this new knowledge, I am frankly past the point of wanting to raise a concern. I don’t believe it is actually possible either as there is a seven year window with the BACP to make a report on a therapist.
But I suppose I could still make them aware of what I experienced - Only I really don’t think it would get me anywhere or that taking her on would be a healthy decision on my part. The thought of being dismissed by the BACP or bringing her back into my life makes me feel physically ill.
She could, afterall, easily deny and minimise my experiences, and say that I was projecting my issues on to her. I don’t have any visual or audio evidence to show anyone, and I know she is very good at twisting things round if she needs to.
I instead choose to release my story as a cautionary tale for the internet.
Yes, you can do all the right things, and still have bad therapy. You can also have what seems like a good therapeutic relationship change into something toxic.
The main takeaway is that my former therapist was not fit to practice at the time and I should not have been her client. She was clearly not acting professionally or with my best interests in mind, yet she continued to see me, I suspect purely for financial purposes.
If I'd had the capacity to recognise what was happening I would have finished with her and I likely would have complained about her behaviour. Whether it would have changed anything I don't know. What I do know is that if anything like this had happened early on in the relationship, I wouldn't have been as attached or reluctant to let go.
Julie, I can only hope that you have since reflected upon your behaviour and learnt something about yourself. I also hope you have put something in place to prevent any future issues that might affect your ability to practice ethically and safely.
Therapists aren't perfect, but most are able to 'hold you', be able to deal with all of your feelings and give you space to be yourself. You should be able to speak to them about everything that comes up for you, and if you aren't sure, have a discussion about it.
If they dislike or can't handle something about you or your process it is up to them to deal with it and work out a way round it; Or refer you to someone else, as a basic duty of care to you.
Be clear that you have rights, and it is not like before in your family, you don't have to just 'put up with' it. You can do something by talking about an issue, you can change therapists or even raise a complaint. If you aren't sure read up on the ethical guidelines of the association that your therapist belings to. You may have gotten information and have signed a form that outlines the boundaries and rules of therapy. Check out your rights. If in doubt check it out. *
But most of all, bring it up in the session - Use it as an opportunity to process whatever is coming up for you.
I hope that sharing my story is helpful to those reading. It really isn't likely that you will come across a therapist like Julie, but you need to know that it can and does happen, and you aren't alone if it already has.
*Serious concerns around criminal/inappropriate activity may require notifying the police.
Search www.bacp.co.uk or for UKCP www.psychotherapy.org.uk for therapist directories and information about counselling.
