Agoraphobic and Moving House

I have been ready to move for a while now, I live on a busy ring road that has lorries bouncing down it from 5am to 11pm. The house literally shakes to the point where when we actually had an earthquake, I thought it was just another large wagon going past.

Crossing the road is stressful in itself, having cars and vans stationary outside of my house waiting at the junction makes me feel as if I am walking out onto a stage every time I leave the house on a busy day – And yes I’m sure they aren’t actually all looking at me, but it’s uncomfortable and raises my anxiety levels before I’ve even managed to get anywhere.

I have dreamed of living somewhere quieter and more relaxed (with less of a motorway vibe) for years. If it wasn’t for the green and largely peaceful park near my house, I think I would have completely lost my mind. During years of mental health challenges it has been there keeping me grounded and offered me a place to go that I could feel safe and escape the confines of a hectic, concrete city. When you can’t go on holiday and your comfort zone has become its own prison, you find nature and relief where you can; I have been so lucky to have been near a large park full of wildlife and trees.

Which is why one of my stipulations in moving is that it is a property within walking distance of a green space or park.

I also want to be in an area near bars and cafes, socialization and opportunities to mix with like-minded people. On days where my anxiety goes up I find it difficult to travel especially on busy roads.

After 20 years of fluctuating anxiety, I just need it to be easier for me, as geographically it’s been so hard. I need this change - even though it won’t magically solve everything, I will have a better chance of trying new things without the distance immediately creating a barrier.

Viewing Houses

To view houses, I need to be able to get there! I am aware this will be scary for me, but I’m hoping as it’s for a very positive purpose that I can get it done. Part of the problem for me is the hopeless-futility type of thinking I have attached to exposure therapy and going further away from home.

A few years ago, I obsessively pushed myself to go out every day and do things I was scared to do, no matter how I was feeling. I worried that if I stopped for a day, I would ‘go backwards’ and end up back where I started. My OCD brain repeatedly criticized every ‘mistake’ and feeling of panic and fear as a failure to ‘get it right’ or be perfect.

I did get further for a while, but then of course quickly burnt out with the pressure I put on myself. I wanted to be like everyone else seemed to be, I wanted to be ‘normal’ and not have to endure panic attacks on the bus, in crowds or in traffic jams.

This was the third time I’d had to work really hard to get back to the town and start travelling further; but then ‘failed’ and returned to being agoraphobic again. I was fed up with the feeling of disappointment and shame. All the books said if you do the exposure and prevention enough it will get easier - 'Once you do it a few times your anxiety will start to decrease' - Will it f*ck!

There must be something broken with me then because it doesn’t stick. Being run down, getting my period, or any rise in stress would increase my panic attacks. Instead of taking my humanness into account or being empathetic I pushed and berated myself. Any time I had a panic attack I felt like a failure, whenever I retreated or left somewhere due to overwhelming fear, I mentally kicked myself for not being in control.

I had basically set myself up to fail, much like my parents had done to me throughout my life.

Knowing this, I need to be gentle with myself and not pile on huge amounts of pressure to do something amazing or unrealistic.

The first step is to go towards the part of town that I am interested in moving to, no easy feat as I haven’t been there for about 20 years. I might as well be leaving the country, crossing an imaginary border into unknown (but very well researched on Google Maps) territory. I will need plenty of tools for distraction, soothing and calming: My mobile for visual distraction, conversation or headphones of required. CBD spray before and if needed. Breathing techniques, EFT and Havening all in my tool box for prevention and during potential panic attacks.

My therapist and I have discussed her driving us to agreed locations and working out places to turn around and retreat if necessary. I feel scared but excited too. It is challenging me to examine the hopelessness around unobtainable perfectionism; and work out what has led to these rigid beliefs.

Leaving my ‘Safe House’

My house has been the central focus of my comfort zone for years so of course I am having lovely intrusive thoughts around, ‘What if I start panicking and I can’t ever go home again because we've moved. What if moving starts off more anxiety?’.

Okay so I am going to need to re-parent myself here. This is a young part of myself worrying and trying to stick to parental rules and young decisions.

The ‘Rules’ I will be breaking:

Don’t do anything (or you’ll get hurt)

Change is always bad

Stay small to be safe

It’s better not to do anything than do something and risk getting it wrong

To my anxious inner child, I say we will have moved all our things with us and I will be able to calm us down if we get anxious. I am resilient and I can take care of myself. We have resources and we have support. It will be different and maybe a little scary, but we will get used to it and we can start exploring the area. Change can be a good thing; think of all the reasons we want to move. It’s okay to make a decision and change our living arrangements to better suit us. It probably won’t all be perfect, but that doesn’t mean it will be awful either.

So let’s give it a go and have an adventure together.

If I think about it too much, I can probably think of a million reasons I should stay put and continue to live the same life. I can think of a million catastrophies that could happen if I move.

But I really hope I can do this; I want to do it. Change is going to happen regardless; it’s time now to make the change myself.