Narcissistic Parents and a Narcissistic World

Right now, big mouths fill the news; Erratic bullies, and gaslighting liars with hate-filled, greedy and intolerant agendas are constantly in the news headlines stirring up fear, anger and despair.

We are told that their success and position in the world pecking order means their lives are to be aspired to, and that they are the ultimate authority. They are hugely rich and powerful, so they must be better than the rest of us after all.

Similar to narcissistic parents, you either have to earn the right to be with them or you are against them. If you don’t fit the idea of what they allow to exist in their 'ideal' world, or you dare to criticize or speak the truth you are banished to a place of darkness filled with uncertainty, little in the way of hope and no control. To be approved by them means to give up critical thinking, thankful that this god-like person ‘approves’ of you, buying into the illusion that you are powerful now too. Either way you are programmed to give them a free pass on their behaviour and switch off your brain and your feelings, because the narcissist doesn’t want you to think or notice your feelings or discomfort.

The threat of being cast out or facing their wrath and being punished is too much to bear, so numbing and distraction is used to cope. Being in the outcast dark place means being ignored, shamed, blamed and rejected- a living hell for a child. This happens with or without words, with actions and inaction. You then end up believing that you are unreasonable and at fault and that your feelings are not valid or appropriate.

I grew up in a permanent state of dread. The person ruling the world was my dad. He was a narcissistic dictator, mentally unwell with no self-awareness or care for the impact he had upon us all. He was volatile, dangerous and depressed, and he was in charge. I often felt like he was going to snuff out my life when he was angry or depressed; he didn’t seem to care for my safety or wellbeing and on many occasions acted in ways that put me at risk of harm.

He was basically a toddler running the show, a toddler who hadn’t had a caring mum of his own. And now I was here stealing his new ‘mum’ (his wife) away, so he couldn’t have that. My presence was resented, and soon after my birth, my dad began to get mentally ill (again) which caused my mum alot of stress, so much so that I believe my mum resented me being there too.

Beware of the narcissist that feels threatened with a loss of power and control. Anything that makes them feel vulnerable or reminds them of being small and insignificant is terrifying, and they respond with aggression and threats of annihilation – because loss of power to them equals the death of their fragile ego.

As soon as the new US President got back to the White House he set out to punish and bully (Look at the threats to Denmark over Greenland for example and of course South America and Canada too), perhaps so he could feel more secure. Every day there is more news of what he is doing and what he is going to do to ‘take back control’. People in the US and all over the world are bombarded with uncertainty and toxic change, keeping them nervous and wondering where the crosshairs will aim at next.

Thank god it’s not me yet! You can almost hear everyone thinking.

There are many toddlers in charge around the world furiously clinging to power and raining down revenge that feeds the perpetual Drama Triangle.

Many of those lining up to be the ultimate uber-dictators have endless supplies of money and influence, but they also crave their narcissistic supply to feed on.

These are the complicit people who support and idealise them, never daring to think or feel differently for fear of retribution and rejection. They may be looking for a symbiotic relationship to fill a void of their own (repeating childhood trauma or attachment issues), or the narcissist’s abuse of them grinds them down to the point in which they feel unable to function without them.

They can be just as self-absorbed as the ‘main’ narcissist, afraid of losing their own 'security' to the point that they will do anything to keep the narcissist happy and in power.

My mum was one of those people and I’m not sure what was scarier, my dad’s behaviour or her absolute loyalty to him. She defended him, turned a blind eye, and gave him the power to continue the abuse unchallenged. I felt completely abandoned by her, anytime I complained about my dad she took his side or said she was ‘just trying to keep the peace’. She would turn everything around to make him the victim, saying that he was ‘unwell’ and I shouldn’t ‘upset him’. I wasn't protected, I was a scapegoat while he could do anything he wanted and I wouldn't be rescued as mum was too busy rescuing him.

He would snap and sulk, and be in a terrible mood as we followed behind him, while he ignored us. I remember him stopping in the middle of the street at while on holiday, brazenly telling us he was relaxed, 'so why are you all miserable? I've given up my holiday time to take you here.'

I think I was about five at the time. Showing my emotions was somehow wrong and shameful. My mum said nothing, not wanting to make it worse I suppose. But the psychological damage was done; Gaslighting 101 - project onto others, make them reponsible and deny any wrong doing.

I felt guilt and shame, and the more he manipulated and avoided responsibility the more he passed it on to me like a hot potato. I internalized from both my parents a sense that I didn’t have a right to exist and that they were only tolerating me out of obligation. Yes they fed, housed and clothed me etc, but no they didn't connect to me, or seem to even like me.

Any time I did something that they didn’t like (which was a lot despite me trying to be their idea of a perfect little girl), whether on purpose or not, I felt afraid for my life as though my right to exist was about to be terminated. Which it was in a way when they ignored me and gave me the silent treatment as a punishment.

Dad hated being with the family and didn’t really hide it. He didn’t want children, he just wanted to be taken care of by a woman.

My mum wanted children but also wanted to be taken care of, she needed him and was permanently anxious that he would leave her.

The job given to me as a child was to take care of them both emotionally. I would try to get my dissociated mum to smile or even respond, placate my dad and convince myself that I was the problem, not them. I thought that if I made it 'easier' for them to have a daughter they would be happier and love me. I was quiet and withdrawn at home, well behaved and academic at school.

The repressed anger I held was directed at myself for not being liked by them, for embarrassing them and not being good enough. I hate the way I had to act around them and how much I fawned over my dad. I wasted so much energy on trying to placate them both and neglected myself – no was actually horrible to myself because they had taught me how bad I was. Not interested – so not interesting. Not happy – so not fun or likeable the list goes on.

I adapted to them in an effort to make my life safer because there were no other options available to me at the time. They were my world and I was trapped in it.

Maybe, like me, you are reminded of your past by disturbing world events, or something happening to you at work, school, in social groups - Or even your own family. The news cycle and possible threats to your own safety has stirred up familiar strong feelings of being trapped and terrorised.

Narcissists shit-dump on to you all the things they won’t accept about themselves. They project it on you so you feel responsible for it, and they can walk away, lifted up by putting you down.

They see you as an object and won't let you be anything other than that. BUT you are a person in your own right and have a life to live independent of them and their prejudiced/limiting views. Put yourself first in any way you can and become a person without the toxic weight of their problems and dysfunction. The ones who point the fingers are usually the ones with the problem.

Take care of yourself

One of the major side effects of having a narcissist parent is that you become hypervigilant as you are trapped in the cycle of trying to anticipate what will happen next, so you aren't caught out again.

This can continue to affect your future relationships and how you navigate the world today.

Did you ever feel you could relax or feel safe at home? You may have walked on eggshells around your unsafe parent or carers, afraid to do anything that might provoke them. You may have dreaded them coming back from work and inflicting their mood on you, making the atmosphere in the home unbearable.

Being hypervigilant involves an anxious thought process that convinces you that you can never let your guard down, or something terrible will happen. It gives you the illusion of control in situations that continue to reinforce your feelings of powerlessness.

This is why I find that it’s hard to take a break from reading the news and checking social media. The fact that so much is happening in the US, Middle-East, Ukraine (the list goes on and on), which mirrors and re-enacts the Complex PTSD experience of bombardment and destabilisation with no time to recover.

I realised that I need to limit my exposure to the news for my health as I am feeling overwhelmed and repeating my patterns of checking and physically bracing myself causing tension in my body. I am grateful that I can afford to turn away for a moment and focus on things that give me peace, to rest and detox from the messy planet. I really feel for those who are not able to do so, and are not currently safe enough. It makes me feel guilty and helpless, so I'm trying to actively do something positive by using my writing to counteract the negativity clouding the world, and bring awareness.

Taking a break is okay, you were not designed to experience sustained, unrelenting stress. Self care is needed more than ever.

It's essential that we acknowledge this: Fight, Flight and Freeze Mode is supposed to be temporary so we can escape and recover.

We can burn out if we don't prioritise ourselves.

Self Care Ideas:

Be around nature/park/ your garden

Watch cute videos of cuddly animals

Wrap a duvet around you

Treat yourself

Play with toys

Write down your feelings

Exercise/walk your dog/ride a bike/ do yoga/stretch

Paint or scribble

Text a friend

Start a project/hobby

Join a group

Talk about your feelings

Learn to breathe (I hold alot of tension in my stomach and didn't realise I wasn't breathing properly!)

Read self help books and books about mindful practices

Learn about yourself and become more self aware

Speak to a therapist

And finally, Google Self Care, there's so much good advice out there!

Remember you have an inner toddler/child, and they absolutely deserve to be taken care of. They have big feelings and no way of soothing themselves, only you can teach them a healthy way to regulate emotions.

Don't ignore them like your parents did, only you can protect and care for them.