I have to be honest, it’s been a long while since I considered myself to be anywhere near clear of mental health difficulties and struggles.
I have had anxiety and scary, intrusive thoughts for the majority of my life, starting before primary school. There have been times when I have felt what I look back on as being ‘better’, well, near normal — as far as being able to socialise, and having the freedom live my life without feeling terrified.
I have been in a relatively stable place with my anxiety and panic attacks more recently while studying; surviving but not necessarily thriving. I could almost guarantee you that I would only feel strong anxiety and panic when I made attempts to step out of my comfort zone.
I wasn’t particularly thrilled with my life, but it felt safe, predictable and I knew the score, the rules of engagement with my inner alarm system and triggers.
I wasn’t particularly thrilled with my life, but it felt safe, predictable and I knew the score, the rules of engagement with my inner alarm system and triggers.
And then things started to get worse.
I found myself getting panic attacks in situations that I hadn’t for a long time. I can’t tell you how crushed and dissapointed I was. My comfort zone had been compromised, infiltrated by what felt like an incredible urge to hide, to get away from the anxiety that I was feeling and stop the scary thoughts going round my head.
Top 5 Intrusive Thoughts Bonanza Editon:
You won’t get home again
You’re trapped
You’re too far from home
This feeling will never stop unless you leave
You HAVE to leave right now!
The confidence I had built in my ability to go to the local supermarket, go to local shops bars and cafe’s, and even take my dog around his usual walking routes, was eroding faster than a cliff into the North Sea.
It seemed any illusion of control was fading fast.
The irony was these were things I was actually annoyed about a few months ago, I was fed up with ‘only’ being able to do things in my comfort zone. Now it seemed that I wasn’t even able to do these boring Groundhog Day activities without being assualted with stomach-churning anxiety and terrifying thoughts.
So what did I do?
Well obviously I got angry with myself as anyone with a toxic inner critic would do:
What’s wrong with me? I should be able to do this. Why can’t I be normal?
Then I catastrophised:
I’m going back to how I was before, what if I can’t leave the house? What if I can’t go out anymore? What if I’m scared all the time? What if I can’t go to…
My therapist said I was acting like my parents, and it really pissed me off. Because she was right of course. I was criticising my stressed and tired, little inner child for being scared and instead of offering kindness and encouragement I was punishing her as my parents had done.
She needed a rational adult to keep her grounded and a kind parent to offer empathy and tell her it was okay to have needs and she could come out and wasn’t going to get into trouble.
Could I be that trusted grown up and parent to myself?
During the last year of a three year training course my body had started to manifest symptoms of burn out and stress. I had fatigue, rashes, IBS; The glands in my neck would randomly swell up, and brain fog swallowed up any signs of intelligent life in me especially when I was tired — which was ALL THE TIME.
I felt like I couldn’t pause my training placement without letting others down, and when I thought about taking a break so near to the end, I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to go back and complete it. So I carried on, focused all my energy on the course, lost myself and pushed past my limits of stress tolereance.
While I’m incredibly glad that I did carry on and finish my course, I wonder now if I could have done anything differently. Were there other options I couldn’t see that my rigid thinking and inner critic were blocking? Maybe I could have had a self-care break and put myself first, dealing with the uncomfortable feelings of guilt and uncertainty.
Maybe, just maybe it’s okay to let people down because they actually aren’t my parents, and I should never have felt so much pressure to please them in the first place.
Maybe, just maybe it’s okay to let people down because they actually aren’t my parents and I should never have felt so much pressure to please them in the first place.
What I do know is that stress made me fall back on old, limiting coping behaviours and my nervous system was stuck in a fight, flight or freeze pattern — or survival mode.
So I’m working on self care, being kinder to myself, listening to my body and not berating myself for having this frustrating ‘blip’ of anxiety. I talk to my inner child, asking if she wants to try going further; do you want to go this way today?
I tell myself it’s okay to have feelings, and that the scary thoughts are like an annoying scam phone call that I can’t block, but I don’t have to answer. I try to take it a day at a time and not project horrible future scenarios. The certainty that I crave goes as far as predictions of terrible things, which lead to panic and avoidance — anything to know the future right? Even if it’s negative and limits my life greatly.
It’s hard not to be angry, but my body is reacting to past triggers and trying to protect me. It’s hugely frustrating to know you’re safe somewhere yet fear the feelings and thoughts you have when you are there. I am angry that I haven’t mastered this yet, and maybe I never will.
Setbacks and recoveries are part of having a long term mental health condition I remind myself. It’s an opportunity to learn more about my processes and understand the past intruding into the now. I just want a little bit more of life though, a bit more joy and freedom please and thank you.
I stroke my head and my cheeks with my fingers and it calms me a little. The Self-Havening technique tools I am learning work to raise the oxytocin level with a soothing, reassuring touch that I didn’t get enough of when I was little, but that I can give myself now when my nervous system is highly activated.
My anxiety is still elevated, it’s a struggle at times and I bloody hate panic attacks. But I haven’t lost all hope, I know I’m on a recovery path, a learning path and of course, I know that this is all just a blip.
